Decoding Attachment Styles: A Guide to Understanding and Transforming Relationships
By James Beasley | Dec. 29
“You don’t get it.”
“That’s not what I mean.”
“Why can’t you see what I see?”
When it comes to family, sometimes it can feel like we’re not speaking the same language. Struggling to relate to one another can exist across the spectrum of being isolating and uncomfortable to worse… it can feel like the norm. According to attachment theory, developed by psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth 1 , an individual’s attachment style is their way to relate to others. This attachment style is developed in early childhood by interactions with caregivers. Adult attachment styles are shown to mirror the early relationship had with caregivers. It can indicate how you might relate with others as well as yourself. This includes how you emotionally respond to others. Because of this, understanding attachment styles is critical to nurturing healthy friendships, romance, business, and hobbies. Not understanding attachment styles means speaking different languages without the ability to translate. There are believed to be four main types of attachment styles: secure, avoidant, anxious, and disorganized.
Secure Attachment: "I'm okay, you're okay"
When you were young, your caregivers were reliable, empathetic, and responsive. You learned how to self-soothe, and when you needed help, you knew you could always rely on your parents for support and safety. As an adult, you are comfortable expressing your affection and interest towards others. People may describe you as confident and caring. You are comfortable with being alone and allowing others to have time to themselves. You are also skilled at setting boundaries and prioritizing relationships.
Avoidant Attachment: "I'm okay, you're not okay"
You take pride in your ability to solve problems independently and may even have a tendency to solve others’ problems without being asked. In relationships, you find it challenging to express emotions and establish intimacy, and you may complain about people getting too close or clingy. Due to your relationship history, you always have an exit strategy in both work and romance. When challenged, you may become dismissive or angry due to your fragile ego. As a child, your parents discouraged crying and encouraged early independence, which may have led you to feel like you were forced to grow up too quickly. You learned to suppress your desire to seek out a parent for comfort when frightened, distressed, or in pain because you knew you couldn’t rely on your caregivers. As a result, you may have developed a tendency to avoid or fear relationships and rely on yourself for safety.
Anxious Attachment: "You're okay, I'm not okay"
You find yourself worrying that you might be rejected or abandoned 2 . When it comes to relationships, academics, career, and friendships, you tend to seek reassurance through going above and beyond; giving far too much of yourself to “make things work.” As a child, your parents were likely not neglectful, but rather overprotective and smothering, exhibiting helicopter parenting tendencies. This may have hindered your ability to learn how to self-soothe and instead forced you to rely on them for stability. Additionally, it’s possible that you had to earn their affection by being the perfect child, which can be seen as a form of conditional love.
Disorganized (Anxious/Avoidant) Attachment: "No one is okay"
You tend to form relationships quickly, but they often end up being brief. At work, you may feel like others are conspiring against you, are jealous of you, or are trying to get rid of you. Your life seems to be characterized by extremes of love and hate. While you desire relationships, you find yourself afraid of them at the same time. When others leave you, your gut reaction is a scorched earth policy. In your childhood, you were more likely to be neglected or abused compared to other attachment styles. This doesn’t necessarily mean your parents were cruel. They may have not been physically able to care for you or tend to your needs, or their attempts at care may have been inconsistent, ineffective, or harmful.
Actionable takeaways:
Each attachment style holds an underlying belief intrinsic to feeling safe and maintaining what is familiar. For this reason, these beliefs do not like to be deconstructed. But it is the continuation of these beliefs that tend to create predictable relationship patterns. Here are a few key concepts that can move you toward a secure attachment:
Recognize your attachment style:
Understanding your attachment style is the first step in making changes to your relationship patterns.
Challenge Outdated Beliefs:
Allow the possibility your beliefs are outdated: Outdated beliefs that create mayhem in a relationship. To challenge beliefs, ask questions of what you believe: “Is this person safe?”; “Am I safe?”
Seek Therapy:
A mental health professional can help you work through your attachment issues and develop healthier relationship patterns.
Can Attachment Styles Change?
Yes, insecure attachment styles can change and evolve towards more secure attachment with time, patience, and intentional effort. If you're seeking support in understanding and managing your attachment style, consider reaching out to a mental health professional.
Resources:
Check out these supplementary resources related to attachment:
Creatures of a Day: And Other Tales of Psychotherapy by Irvin D. Yalom
Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Sue Johnson
The origins of attachment theory: John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth.
What Does It Mean To Have Anxious Attachment? by Sarah Schuster
