Pulled Between Two Worlds: The Tug-of-War Journey of a First-Generation Immigrant

Written By Jillian Cruzet

By: Jillian Cruzet | July 31

I’m a Filipina-American woman. It’s an identity that I have struggled to fully comprehend and truly own since I was a child, perhaps more unknowingly then. The struggle came from unspoken and spoken pressures to adapt to the culture around me, like bringing sandwiches to lunch instead of the aromatic Filipino food my dad made, to avoid the harsh looks in the cafeteria. It came from being told by classmates that I didn’t “belong here” if I wasn’t born here. And the struggle also came from unspoken and spoken pressures at home to live out a specific dream that was already dreamt for me. 

My family and I immigrated to America from the Philippines in hopes of creating a stable life full of opportunities to make our dreams tangible. Well, I was just a 3 year-old at the time, so I was really just along for the ride, soaking in the change as best as I could. While I colored on the walls, DIY’ed old t-shirts to become new tank tops, and dreamed about becoming a widely-known chef, my parents dreamed of a life where my brother and I were always safe and never struggled the way they did. Oftentimes, when I spoke up about difficult emotions, like sadness, fear, anger, or loneliness, I was silenced and told to just “focus on the positive”. If I did not do what my parents asked in the way they wanted (e.g. chores), I would be given the silent treatment. If I spoke up and gave my opinions, I was told that I was being disrespectful. From these smaller interactions, I began to believe that struggling was not okay, failure was not okay, and veering off of the path that my parents paved was not okay. I felt this pressure to reach an ideal version of me without ever faltering until I got to my destination, because the turmoil my parents faced to get to America depended on it. I became a straight A student with hardly any red behavior marks, but as I kept reaching for incredible grades and the best behavior, there was a heavier anchor within me from the feelings and dreams I pushed down in pursuit of these “goals”.

There came a time when this anchor sunk and seemingly wrecked the ship. I began to have agency over my own life as I grew older and naturally, there was friction between me and my parents. One conflict that I remember vividly is changing my major in college from Nursing to Psychology, a choice that clashed with traditional expectations. In many Asian-American households, a job in the STEM field is preferred due to its perceived prestige, financial stability, and career security (Shen & Liao, 2022). This preference mixed with my family’s rooted value in filial piety, or a deep respect for one’s parents and elders, made for a strenuous switch. I felt that making this decision was disrespectful to my parents and the journey they traversed to give me the opportunities I have. Waves of selfishness and self-doubt rushed over me as I tried to choose what felt right in my bones, but caused painful discord between me and my parents. I was pulled to fulfill what they longed for and bring them happiness while also being pulled by cultural expectations in America to dream for myself too. I felt divided, confused, and strained, when all I really wanted was to find a sense of belonging with my authentic self.

Fast forward 4 years later after switching my major and jumping head first into the mental health field, I reflect on that time with a warm heart and empathy. I can’t help but draw parallels to the emotional journey my parents must have undergone as first-generation immigrants. I imagine that when they made the decision to leave their home country, their family, friends, and comfort, there was an unspeakable amount of fear and uncertainty; it was a selfless sacrifice that they hoped would bring me and my brother to new heights. The friction between us came from both of our fears for what the unknown would bring. I feared the unknown of having a job that felt incongruent with myself while also fearing what my life would look like in a field that was not common for Asian-Americans. My parents feared that I was venturing into a path that they did not know and would not be able to help me with. At the end of the day, I know they just wanted the best for me and did not have the tools to effectively communicate. I like to think that I jumped into this field for my inner child; I had a difficult time feeling heard as a kid, so I wanted to learn as many tools as I could to understand what was going on in my internal world. In the process, I found a love for the art of therapy and how it can help others feel heard too. Now, my parents and I have a stronger relationship and I can feel confident to share emotion regulation and effective communication tools with them (e.g. asking my parents to tell me directly how they feel instead of giving me the silent treatment). This has given us a more balanced structure in the family rather than having a one-sided authority.

Through my own journey, I have come to realize that understanding and embracing one’s fears can lead to profound personal growth and connection with others. As a first-generation immigrant born in Filipino tradition and raised in American values, it can be difficult to find cohesion and acceptance. To those who may be on a similar journey of feeling pulled in different directions by cultural expectations and personal dreams, here are some resources to empower you:

PODCASTS:

  • The Inner Child Podcast by Gloria Zhang: This podcast delves into the exploration of inner healing and personal growth by reconnecting with one’s inner child. Through insightful discussions and interviews, Gloria Zhang guides listeners on a journey of self-discovery and understanding.

  • Unlocking Us by Brené Brown: This podcast features candid conversations with inspiring individuals from various fields. Brené explores vulnerability, courage, shame, and resilience, encouraging listeners to embrace their authentic selves.

BOOKS:

MOVIES / SHOWS:

  • The Joy Luck Club, directed by Wayne Wang: Based on Amy Tan’s novel, this film follows the lives of four Chinese-American women and their relationships with their immigrant mothers. It explores themes of identity, cultural clashes, and the bond between generations. Available on Hulu.

  • Little America, directed by Siân Heder: This anthology series showcases heartwarming and diverse immigrant stories in America. Each episode portrays the experiences of immigrants, highlighting their struggles, triumphs, and contributions to society. Available on Apple TV.

  • Ramy, directed by Ramy Youssef: This comedy-drama series follows the life of Ramy, a first-generation Egyptian-American, as he navigates the complexities of cultural and religious identity in a politically charged world. The show delves into the challenges of self-discovery and finding one’s place in the world. Available on Hulu.

Remember that we are not alone in our struggles, and our journey of self-discovery is one of courage and strength. It’s not uncommon for misunderstandings and generational gaps to arise between immigrant parents and their children, but by recognizing the common thread of fear and uncertainty that weaves through our journeys, we can find solace in the shared human experience that binds us all. I hope that you continue to embrace your authentic self and find beauty in the richness of all of our unique stories. 

References

Shen, F. C., & Liao, K. Y.-H. (2022). Educational channeling, internalized stereotyping, expectations fulfillment and major choice on Asian Americans’ major satisfaction: A moderated mediation model. Journal of Vocational Behavior, 132, 103647. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jvb.2021.103647

U.S Bureau of Labor Statistics. (2022). Labor Force Statistics from the Current Population Survey.

Jillian Cruzet
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