Five Suggestions for Surviving The Holidays

By Aletheia Team | Dec. 19

The winter holidays are upon us, and with them a deep well of emotional reactions. There is a cultural association of warmth, family, joy, hope, and gratitude with the holidays. Images of families in their flannel pajamas celebrating with whatever product is being advertised populate our media during this time of year. There is an expectation that sensory experiences full of cider or eggnog, lights or presents, Bing Crosby or Mariah Carey will carry with them rich emotional experiences of nostalgia, belonging, childlike wonder, and merriment.

Yet, for many of us, there is an enormous sense of pain, loss, disappointment and despair associated with the holidays. The sensory experiences that have societal associations may actually be triggering. Past traumas, dysfunctional family dynamics, abuse, neglect, loneliness, loss, and grief may abound during the holiday season. The past haunts many of us during the holidays. And new loss threatens to snatch away what little joy may have dwelled in this time of year for us.

In the face of all of this pain, we are still plagued by cultural expectations of family celebration and joy. Many return home to our primary abusers to exchange gifts and act like everything is okay. And for a lot of us, there is no other possibility.

How are we to survive this?

During this time of year, my work with my patients often becomes very logistical and very simple. For many of my patients, this is not the time to dig into past trauma or unconscious intrapsychic dynamics. It is a time to fall back onto some basic coping strategies with an attitude of grace and self-care. 

1. Manage Expectations

Buddhist psychology talks about the two arrows of suffering: the suffering that is inevitable and outside of our control and the suffering that we chose by trying to resist and control the first. We are bombarded with messages from culture and society during this time of year that reinforce the idea that our holiday experience will, or at least should look like a Hallmark movie or a Folgers commercial. If we can enter into the holiday season with an expectation that our family is going to be who they have always been, that our time with them will not be ideal, and that we need to focus on getting through the season, we may lay a groundwork for a better experience.

This is not as pessimistic as it may sound. What I am not saying - and I emphasize this with my patients - is that there is no hope, or that we should be closed off to change, progress, or transformation in ourselves or our family members. Family members can and do change at times. And we should have an openness to their process. 

Nor do I mean to say that we should passively receive abuse, hostility, or transgression of boundaries in the name of accepting our family members where they are at. There are times when it is entirely appropriate and in everyone’s best interest to not participate in family events during the holidays.

What I am saying is that marketing and advertising is a remarkably nuanced industry in regards to its psychology, and that the messages that are embedded within the industry impact us on a imaginal, affective, and preconscious level. So if we are going to be participating in holiday events that may be less than ideal, it is important to keep the awareness of our preconscious expectations in mind, and to be open to what is, rather than what we (or society) thinks should be. We have to be aware of what we assume the holidays will look like. Which brings us to number two…

2. Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness can be an incredible tool for regulating our emotions when we find ourselves triggered. There are entire approaches to therapy that implement mindfulness as a way to cope with difficult situations, such as dialectical behavior therapy and acceptance and commitment therapy. 

But mindfulness becomes life-changing if we can practice it before we find ourselves in those heightened emotional situations. If we can familiarize ourselves with one or two meditative exercises, and practice them regularly, we train our minds to jump into the practice when we are triggered.

There is no shortage of information on mindfulness practice. But I will provide one simple breathing exercise as a starting point. 

Take a moment and become aware of your breath. Try not to think about your breath, but “sink down” into the sensations of breathing. In order to do this, it may be helpful to focus on a particular part of the breath - the nostrils, the chest, the belly.  

Now, breathe in. As soon as you notice a change in the sensation - whether its the cold air in your nostrils, or the expansion of your chest, or breath landing deep in your belly, allow your mind to label or tag the experience: “In” or “Inhale” or “Expansion”. Do this for a few breaths.

Next, shift your awareness to the sensations of exhaling. Notice the difference of sensation. Again, label the experience: “Out” or “Exhale” or “Relaxation”. Do this for a few breaths.

Finally, put both together, labeling the sensations on both the inhale and the exhale. If you find your mind wandering, note it “thinking” “wandering” or “feeling” and return to the breath.

Begin to practice this when you are not in distress. It may be beneficial to associate your practice with a specific time or task each day - driving, getting ready in the morning, or doing dishes. 

3. Take Care of Your Body

In his groundbreaking and well known book, The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel van der Kolk demonstrates how trauma is often stored in our bodies. Thus, if we are entering into a potentially triggering situation, it is helpful that our bodies are cared for. This will not necessarily prevent a trauma response, but it will help.

Taking care of your body does not have to be an intense workout or diet regimen. It is as simple as ensuring that you are drinking plenty of water, getting as much sleep as you are able, and eating regularly. If you have the ability for some light exercise, like a walk or doing some stretching, this will help calm the central nervous system and create endorphins. 

It can also be helpful to monitor your intake of common substances like caffeine or alcohol. Caffeine can increase anxiety, and while alcohol can help calm our nerves in the short-term, it can disrupt sleep cycles and increase anxiety in the long term. 

4. Set Boundaries

Setting boundaries can be really easy to discuss and really difficult to implement. Every year there is a proliferation of Instagram posts and mental health blogs discussing setting boundaries during the holiday season. There is a lot of good information out there; there is no reason for me to reinvent the wheel. But, a few thoughts on boundaries to keep in mind.

First, remember that boundaries dictate what you are willing or not willing to do, not to dictate what others do. If we try to set a boundary that says, “You can’t bring that topic up with me”, we will be disappointed. Instead we state what we are willing to do. “If you keep bringing that topic up, I will leave the room. I am not willing to have this conversation with you.”

Second, expect pushback, especially if setting boundaries is not commonly done in the family. Family members who are not used to hearing boundaries may accuse you of being rude or mean. They may try to guilt you with statements like “but we’re family” or “we talk about everything with each other”. They may be passive aggressive. Stand firm.

Third, don’t over-explain your boundaries. You do not have to justify your boundaries, just to communicate them. The more you try to explain them, the more your family members have to push back against. State them clearly, concisely, and stand firm.

5. Prepare a Plan of Action (or Inaction)

If we are adjusting our expectations, practicing mindfulness, taking care of our bodies, and communicating clear boundaries, we’ve set ourselves up well for awareness this holiday season. Now we can become aware of when we are becoming triggered, or when our anxiety or depression is increasing, or when our stress levels are elevated. Maybe your breathing is shallow, or you notice you're drinking more wine than water. Whatever the indicator may be for you, it is helpful to have a plan to de-stress in these moments.

This may include removing yourself from the environment, even for a few minutes. You may journal, or meditate, or take a short walk. It may include some healthy distraction - reading an enjoyable book or magazine, disrupting a stressful conversation to play a low-stress board game or cards, or putting on a low-key holiday movie. Take a few minutes to find a quiet place around you to journal about what you’re feeling - this will help you to both become aware of what is going on within you, and to get it out is some form of action.

Distracting behaviors in times of distress do not have to be the same as long-term coping strategies. For example, it may not be an ideal coping strategy to pull out your phone and play a game every time you feel something uncomfortable. But if you find yourself feeling triggered in an environment where other strategies may not be available (like when you’re traveling or visiting family for the holidays), this can be a great way to distract yourself (however, avoiding social media may still be a good idea). Napping may be another great short-term strategy that may be less viable or healthy long-term.

This plan will need to be unique to your needs and preferences. If you have a therapist, it can be helpful to work on this plan with them. If not, speak with a safe friend or family member, or develop a plan on your own with your needs in mind. 

Be Gracious with Yourself

During the 2020 COVID pandemic, a lot of my work with my patients was establishing realistic goals. The deep work we were doing in December of 2019 in many ways had to be put on hold, because none of us were operating at full psychological capacity. Stress and anxiety were up, isolation was a medical necessity, and uncertainty was a daily experience on a global level. It is unfair to expect ourselves to be functioning at the same level as we were in December of 2019. And, progress may not be a realistic goal - we may be looking for maintenance. 

The 2020 pandemic is a macro-example of what many of us may experience during the holidays. Stress and anxiety is up. If we travel, we may be isolated from our regular support system and our daily routines may be disrupted. There is uncertainty for many of us about what our family members are going to say and do, and how our bodies might react. So, be gracious with yourself. Do your best for yourself, but don’t blame yourself for not being your best. In all of the suggestions listed above, don’t expect yourself to be perfect. And don’t beat yourself up if you forget to drink enough water, or fail to be mindful in a distressing moment. Treat yourself with gentleness and grace.

Whatever experiences the holiday season may bring you, I would like to wish you a gentle and meaningful holiday season and hope for better days ahead in the New Year.